I arrived in my Yin yoga class agitated and distraught. This is not the preferred state of mind for aspiring yogis. I know this. I couldn’t help it though. Shit is hitting the fan, chaos reigns supreme, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… okay, maybe there wasn’t actual human sacrifice, but this week has been wrought with emotion. It started with one betrayal bomb, which I wrote about here, and the hits kept coming. If circumstances allowed me to focus on cleaning up the fallout I’d be relieved. Instead, I find myself ducking and covering as new bombs explode around me. I’m under fire on several fronts. And it sucks.
So, back to my mat. My consciousness was streaming. My heart was imitating Eminem’s snare drum. Not the best place from which to practice meditative yoga of the restorative variety. But lo and behold, the miraculous occurred (and yes, I get that this is the whole point of Yin yoga, but who would’ve thought it could actually happen to yours truly?!). As I was stretching to touch my forehead to the floor in final obeisance to my teacher and mouthing my Namaste, a thought popped into my mind. The thought was miraculous – clean and clear of stress and negativity. After class, this blissful musing settled into my muscles and sinews, becoming ground truth.
My thought came straight out of Dragon Bound – one day I will count how many blogs this one book has inspired. It whispered in my ear, “You have no problems today. Just tactical considerations.” Despite how hard life seems right now, and how dejected I feel or how fragile my faith in humanity may be… I have no problems today. I do have, as Dragos described his thought processes around Pia, a lot of tactical considerations to consider. Nothing of the strategic variety, mind you, just the concrete, immediate kinds of issues that we know are fleeting, nothing to get too worked up over. Nothing that I need to get attached to (lots of preposition-ending sentences going on there—Mrs. Fowler, my seventh grade English teacher, is rolling in her grave—Sorry, Mrs. F, ya can’t win ‘em all).
So, if I’m not ducking and covering from emotional ordinance, I can consider—in a tactical way— what I need to do about these people who turned on me. I don’t need to hate these people, nor do I need to help them in any way. It’s not abandonment if they do it first, right? They are doing the best they can, poor deluded souls that they are. They deserve my pity. Yes, they hurt me. But I’ll get over it. They have to wake up and be themselves tomorrow. And the day after that too.
I’ve been reminding myself that things aren’t going according to plan, but so what? As Pink declares in one of my favorite songs, “I’m still a rock star,” and I have no problems today. We plan, and the Universe knocks us on our asses. You know, just to keep us on our toes—and yes, it’s harder to be on my toes when I’m flat on my ass, but there you have it, it’s how the world works. I’m sure it will all make sense when I can grill God and ask her what the hell she was thinking.
I also need to remember that what’s in the way is the way. That is a particularly hard one for me. I have the way all mapped out –GPS has even shown me two alternate routes, but the one I’m on wasn’t one of them. How can this be the freaking way? I’m all about the road less traveled, but this way is a fucking obstacle course. How can I find my way when what’s in the way is the way? Does that even make any sense? Unfortunately, I know it does. I just don’t like the sense it makes. I guess the in the end, like love, the sense you take is equal to the sense you make. Or something profound like that. Who the hell knows?
Not me; I’m dazed and confused. And afraid. I’m not sure what’s happening, and my fear tells me, “Your luck has turned. The other shoe is falling. Prepare for catastrophe.” I’m trying not to listen to my fear. But it is surely an annoying buzz in my ears. And even as I turn away from that fear, I sneak a peek back, like Lot’s wife, and we all know what happened to her. Eyes forward, ears closed to the negative noise—find my edge. I can do this.
I want to focus on what’s important, and not what’s distracting me from it. I need to be resourceful, resilient and flexible. I want to bend, not break. I want to adapt, evolve, conform to reality, not live in delusion. I want deep peace—so that the waves of my emotions crest and fall upon the surface, but don’t churn the waters underneath. I want to be righteous, but avoid the pitfalls of self-righteousness. On the other hand, perhaps I need to focus less on what I want and more on what I’m being called to do. I need to ask, “What have I learned?” Because sure as Kim Kardashian’s boobs are eventually going to hit her knees, the Universe will keep sending me these ‘learning opportunities’ until I’ve learned what I need to know. “Beauteous”, as Tricks would say.
So far, all I’ve learned is that I have no problems today, only tactical considerations. I need not fear the Reaper nor shoes falling from a high place. All is well in my world. Truly. I just need to keep re-reading Dragon Bound to remember that – and to pick up my messages from the Universe.